Never Thought That Digging Would Be The Answer
There were times when I thought I would never see the light of day. I never imagined I would feel joy or happiness. I never believed I would make it out; I never thought I could survive because I was trapped in pain. Pain distorted my vision and altered what I heard; all I could see was despair. I would try to speak the opposite, you know, say things that were not as though they were, but deep in my heart, there was no comfort. I couldn’t even pretend to believe that I would be free. I had a hurt so deep that I felt pain in my stomach, aching in my bones, and a pounding in my head that wouldn’t allow me to think clearly. Despite my doubt, the Holy Spirit came and quickened my spirit to remind me that I wouldn’t be there long.
Revelation
The way the Lord cares for his own stems from a real type of love. I thought I knew it all and felt every pain, but the Lord loved me so much that he chose to humble me and build me. He chose to help me learn how to honestly stand on my own and dig when I had no one there to help me shovel past my pains and regrets. He made me dig when I thought I couldn’t go further and wanted to quit. He made me dig when I thought I would forever be alone and misunderstood. He said to dig! And finally, after digging, I hit something groundbreaking. I realized that I was never alone, I always had strength, and that even in pain, I was always led. Because if the Lord weren’t guiding me and showing me where to dig and uproot, I would’ve never known what freedom feels like, I would’ve never seen how beautiful the process was. He was stripping me of my old man, my old nature; the more I dug, the more I shed, and the more humility I found. There were pains that I treasured so much, I hid them in the deep. I had to uproot the rejection I felt when people treated me differently based on what I didn’t have. I had to uproot the spirit of abandonment that came when my father left, insecurities and loneliness plagued me, so I had to cut ties with that bondage of hopelessness, and that poverty state of mind to replace them with the Lord’s truths.
Be Aware
The enemy is cunning; this is why Paul advises us to be aware, informed, and spiritually minded, so that the enemy won’t outsmart us (2 Cor 2:11). The word also says that we must reject ungodly imaginations that flood our mind and capture those rebellious thoughts and make them obedient to Christ (2 Cor 10:5). Which means every thought, in our mind, that is not regulated and filtered through the word leaves room for the enemy to manipulate. So, as he perverts each thought we have about ourselves and the world around us, we begin to believe the story it tells. In other words, there are lies that we meditate on that become our truth. We then become crippled by the lie and fall into a state of despair, which requires a fight to escape. So, even though I know that the Lord Himself is fighting for me, I allowed the lie to make me panic and convinced myself that I had to do it alone (Exod 14:12-14). I forgot that the Lord is my refuge and my strength (Ps 46:1-3). He proved to me that he would never leave or abandon me (Hebrews 13:5), but I allowed the lie to make me feel like I was left to fend for myself. I had to be intentional about which thoughts I would allow to live in my mind, which thoughts I would allow to feed my senses. I’ve realized that the truth enables me to see things as they are and make decisions with clarity; It also allows me to put my hope in God again (Ps 43:5). Whereas lies make me see things through the lens of my dysfunction or pain.
Gratitude
God, thank you for loving me and pulling me out of those dark places. Thank you for shining your light on me and showing me the way out! A good father helps you to dig deep but also pulls you out by providing clarity and filling every void with love. I find comfort in knowing that I am loved to the point that I am challenged. When I look back on how I struggled, I find joy in knowing that I am not where I was and that I have a better understanding of the God I serve. My wilderness experience was designed to help me break free from old patterns and learn a new way to serve and worship. That experience was to show me that my dependency should always be on the Lord my God, and not on anyone or anything else. It was to bring to my awareness that human systems can only take me but so far, and people will always fail me, and my efforts will never get me the happiness I desire; only God can do that! I know deep in my heart that I can’t make decisions or do life without Jesus, and I refuse to live my days without him. Help me to continue digging, Lord. Don’t allow me to leave any stone unturned; everything hidden must be revealed. I don’t want to be selfish or self-absorbed. Help me to pour where I can, help me to be faithful where you have me, and help me to love and encourage the people you have assigned to me!
CBLH
Originally written 10/06/2023, revised 5/29/2025.