How I Felt In The Middle Of It

There are times when praying seems like a waste of time. I feel like I’m losing hope the more breath I waste. I’m crying to the most high, the one who should hear me and answer, and yet I get no physical response. It’s like the verse that says hope deferred makes the heart sick(Proverbs 13:12). There are times I grow so sick, and holding on seems to be a foolish game with no way to actually win. It’s just so easy to let go and have no care, but where would that take me is the question I ponder as I sit in agony. If the Lord doesn’t come to rescue me, where will I go for answers if I choose to quit prematurely? Who will comfort me if I depart from the Holy Spirit, my comforter? Where will I find rest if I leave my place of safety to go where sleep is hard to find as well? There’s no comfort in any answer; I’m still in the middle of my pain, despising the road to failure and hoping my Lord will get me in the nick of time.

Why can’t I find rest? Why do I feel as though I’m withering away the more I depend on you, Lord? In my suffering, I realize there is a separation happening, tearing me brutally from my flesh so that the spirit can empower me. This process feels like torment, yet it’s the only way to purify me! I’m fighting each day to keep the faith as Paul commands. I struggle, but I have never faced persecution like his. What was it that he knew that I had not yet realized? It is that my dependence has always been in my own power, my own image, and what I can accomplish seemingly on my own. God has been tearing down the idols I built in my heart, stripping me of my comfort, removing the labels I held dear to, just so that I can become more dependent on him! Why does dependency feel like agony? Because I must learn how to walk and talk again, my appetite has shifted, and I’m learning how to eat again. What I thought I knew wasn’t entirely wrong, but it wasn’t completely correct. So, instead of patching the issues, God created a clean slate with my permission. I didn’t know that “create in me a clean heart” and asking to be more like you was permission to tear me down to build me up. I didn’t know asking you to show me myself would make me realize I don’t really have it together like I thought. I didn’t know asking to be drawn closer to you was me permitting you to disrupt my normal. Am I in pain because of my own prayers? Which means… You do hear my prayers and my cries.

Pain makes you delirious, and nothing seems real anymore. The more things don’t change, the more it feels like God no longer sees me. I feel more alone than ever, and misunderstood is an understatement. I understand that you are doing a work in me, but for how long, and will I ever know happiness again? This season of my life feels like a tug of war with my emotions; I find joy, then moments later, I’m torn. I capture peace amid the storm, then it’s disrupted by the most minor things. Sometimes pain and delay take me places in my mind that I don’t want to go, but when I do, I make sure I don’t stay there. Because I see depression and rejection waiting to grab me and throw me in a pit with chains. I understand that the enemy uses pain to distort my view of God, so I make a conscious decision to double-take because the first look is with my eyes and the second look is with the spirit. So, I realize that I may feel alone at first glance, but then I realize that my God said he would never leave me or abandon me at second glance. I must constantly pull on who I know my God to be and hold to what’s actually true.

Psalm 77:19-20 says, “Your road led through the sea, your pathway through the mighty waters- a pathway no one knew was there! You led your people along that road like a flock of sheep, with Moses and Aaron as their shepherds.” All I can see is you. I’ve faced battles because my road led me to comfort, my pathway through muddy waters- a path we all knew was wrong, yet was available. I was led with other people like pigs being led to the slaughter, with the enemy as our guide. But what was missing all along was you. We must die to this flesh and give up what we want so we can be guided by what you reveal! It’s your road and path; we are your people who need to be led by your shepherd, Lord! We need to live a life that pleases you, Lord, and everything we do should bring glory to your name, not our own. Help me to do just that in Jesus’ name, I pray, Amen!

 I now understand that how I feel in the middle of my pain should not be where I end. Honesty with the Lord leads to resolution. The resolution may not be what you want, but it will be what you need. So, pour out your heart, but allow the Holy Spirit to lead you closer to the Lord.

Originally Written 10/28/23